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Sun, Sand and Specs Tony Blair was named 2001 Spectacle and Sunglass Wearer of the Year I'm as blind as a battery gunner, Can't read what it says on my [...]

(A propos David Blunkett's proposals for citizenship tests, a Times leader reminded readers that US immigrants must read or write sentences such as 'She cooks for her friends') Oh excuse [...]

'Make sure that you are clean, your clothes are clean, even your shoes' -- Last instructions to the WTC bombers I have polished my boots. They are so clean, I [...]

'The hour is coming when America will act' -- George W Bush (With apologies to Bob Dylan) 'There must be some way into there,' said the General to the Chief, [...]

A 'fascinated' Iain Duncan Smith thinks Tony Blair has mastered 'the language of visual communication' by wearing a white shirt, and ensuring no one is unjacketed when he is Who [...]

Jeffrey Archer and Ronnie Biggs have been introduced in prison I am an old krug, wiping the drivel from my lips. I will not have served my time idly: I [...]

Making students do more than three subjects at A level was a good idea. But the obsession with totting up marks has led to wholesale disaster. About 12 years ago, [...]

Tony Blair and Robin Cook battled it out at the Nice summit. It's the 20th anniversary of the death of John Lennon (to whom, apologies) As soon as you budge, [...]

Doubt circulated about whether Michael Portillo still had leadership ambitions. Coronation Street is 40 years old Don't want to be Ena Sharples Don't want a role as Raquel Don't want [...]

Until now, there has been no ethical dimension to British exports. But the Queen's Speech may show that things are changing. 'The big question between now and the election,' one [...]

US suggestions at The Hague to allow the Americans to maintain high industrial emissions included feeding anti-flatulence pills to farmyard animals I'm a cow. I'll play my part With the [...]

The bones of the American election are still being picked over My constitution is strong as an oxymoron. This is why I have been counting chickens with egg on my [...]

There was more rain. Chris Woodhead has resigned to write for the Telegraph. William Hague is said to want him to be ennobled. With apologies to Harold Arlen and Ted [...]

'I dare say some mistakes were made' - Michael Portillo, of rail privatisation Fifteen tickets, that's your choice, But none too cheap, I am afraid, Please hear my disembodied voice: [...]

'We are asking people to be on the lookout for bogus cowboy builders' - Sussex Police, in the wake of the floods. Further cracks in the Cabinet were revealed in [...]

Some British athletes faced dope test allegations. Some British drivers wanted cheaper petrol Fill my tank with nandrolone: My van is anabolic. How it pumps around my sumps! I am [...]

William Hague launched a 'mini-manifesto', Believing in Britain, at the start of the new school term My pencils are sharp as a razor I'm wearing a cap coz it fits [...]

Star Wars A US missile, testing a defence system, failed entirely to hit its target, a dummy warhead. 'This is rocket science... things do happen, 'commented the system's director, General [...]

According to the 'Sun', commenting on the Afghan asylum requests, Britain is now 'the dustbin of the world' We are talking garbage. All day we have been totting up flotsam, [...]

The first piercing hurts for a whole year. God reads your [...]

In Macboy, we discover the roots of literature's top Scot. What happens after three schoolgirls accost him on the way home? Who is the best boy to have on your [...]

Inspirited though Paul might have seemed, he could not profess himself other than a close companion of Kat, with whom he had exchanged so much intelligence. Without further prevarication, he [...]

Last night, the government played down the latest plague to hit Egypt: locusts. 'Hebrew leaders claiming that this is a manifestation of their God's power are talking through their kesuts,' [...]

Charles III was very old when he came to the throne. He was a friend of Jonathan P Orridge, the Green Man, and he also had a Monstrous Carbuncle, which [...]

The discipline of the word game is always very revealing. Every member of conference, of whatever party, will now be obliged, whether speaking in full conference or in smaller meetings, [...]

Alan Milburn and Stephen Byers are widely tipped for promotion in the reshuffle. Both have the skills to do well in cabinet, but how about the vision? When MPs gossip [...]

The society seeks to protect the Rt Hon Michael Gove from harsh and meaningless criticism; and to preserve his disconnection with the 'real' world. 2. Members must at all times [...]

Wheels slow down now; now, spokes spick, a corona Wild-whirls above my victor's valiant podium As heart, soft, hard, harder even than rhodium Rages within Froome's flesh, no gallanter loner. [...]

This is a piece of life writing, perhaps a large piece, perhaps small, you will judge, life writing being that peculiar and particular genre situate, as the lawyers say, betwixt [...]

Module one Face a blank wall for 30 minutes with your eyes shut. You will experience a sense of frustration or impatience. This is unfocused thinking. Module two Stare at [...]

Two members, each masculine, of the Massachusetts community, but from a literally Caucasian family of Chechnyan origin, although born respectively in the Kalmyk Autonomous Soviet Socialist Republic and the Kyrgyz [...]

dr dairy its strangle to think I am know like 80 or 90 and yet I think back to dais when we were peirced and tatted in nurserys by our [...]

Derek Walcott - whose previous book, the epic and brilliant Omeros, neatly preceded his Nobel Prize for Literature - is by no means always accessible. It's not that he's hard [...]

I regret the unfortunate outcome of my attempt at the reforestation of Wallachia, so senselessly attacked by the Ottomans. Trees are symbols of life and regeneration and afford the prospect [...]

Good question. It means never having to say yes-sirree. It means moving heaven and earth to get to what's in between them--not the middle but definitely not the crust. It [...]

Mr Christ is a pleasure to work for, although he has a habit of giving lectures (the gardener has been repeatedly warned about planting seed on poor soil). He is [...]

In 'Annus Mirabilis', Philip Larkin states that sexual intercourse 'began' in 1963, between 'the end of the Chatterley ban' and 'the Beatles' first LP'. However, the period as defined is [...]

Ther also was a chatterer, so to speke, That brimmed with the newes, every weeke, And yaf opiniouns at swich a rate That neman knewe swich a dele of state, [...]

It's the same old story with detective fiction. Is the murder first degree? Is it on the level shelf with 'non-genre' fiction or are its sentences reduced because of questionable [...]

Keep countin', countin', countin', Watch the numbers mountin', Sleepless fingers countin', Decide! Don't think that you'll compute 'em Until you distribute 'em - Otherwise you'll turn yourself cross-eyed. How my [...]

I'd rather have roast beef to carve Than swallow sauerkraut, Or meet a Magyar or a Slav With goulash on his snout. I'd rather starve than greet a Pole Who [...]

Perhaps the most unusual but refreshing horticultural study for many years, this guide to the problems of weeding, planting and mulching takes the bold step of avoiding any direct reference [...]

I will work like a dog, like a horse, like a slave, But I mustn't be downhearted When idea from fact is departed From cradle run to grave, Warm-laid grave [...]