Search

Someone wrote an anonymous letter to the Administration for Children's Services stating that I had physically abused my children on various occasions in broad daylight in my neighborhood. With nothing to hide, I allowed the A.C.S. to interview my children and their caregivers, and I was cleared. Against all odds, I then found out who wrote the letter. I'm mad, but I'm reluctant to turn her in lest she face a harsh penalty. Should I pursue the case or let karma do its job? ANONYMOUS Getting the rude surprise of a lifetime, being accused of monstrous behavior and potentially seeing your own children removed from your care, you might wonder how much retribution it's possible to enact. Instead you ask how much forbearance it's ethical to show. I bet the A.C.S. caseworkers don't hear that question very often. [ABSTRACT FROM AUTHOR]

On a recent flight, my colleague was seated next to an employee of our major competitor. My colleague realized this when the fellow began writing e-mails about possible problems with a significant new product. Is it ethical for us to capitalize on this fellow's stupidity? B.C., NEW JERSEY Imagine that instead of an oblivious competitor, your colleague sits next to an oblivious doctor who is foolishly writing in her patients' charts without obscuring their names. Tempting as it might be to peek, your colleague should restrain himself -- to protect not the doctor but her patients, whose privacy is being jeopardized without their knowledge. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

I smoke a fair amount of marijuana. Sometimes I ask my friends if they want me to pick up weed for them as well, in which case they give me the money upfront. As with any other commodity, prices are usually cheaper when buying in bulk. I will often not give the change to my friends and instead use those few dollars to further my own discount. Is this unethical? I'm the one going through the effort of gathering buyers and conducting the illegal transaction. Or does that just make me a drug dealer? NAME WITHHELD The size of someone's commission doesn't make him a drug dealer. What does? Same thing that makes someone a Toyota dealer: acting as a go-between on a commercial transaction involving a producer and consumers. So you're a dealer -- one with a distinctly mellow business plan but no doubt lots of friends. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

Is it unethical for a relatively wealthy person to apply for and receive unemployment compensation, even if he or she meets all the requirements? Is the answer different in times like the present, when government resources are extremely strained? ANONYMOUS, NEW HOPE, PA. I put the question to Prof. Bruce Meyer, the University of Chicago economist who has written extensively about unemployment benefits and financial inequality. ''Normally,'' he said, ''I think it actually shows some solidarity for well-off people to be receiving the same social-insurance benefits as others.'' But in times like these, he added, ''I think it's unseemly for someone who's very wealthy to take a lot of benefits from U.I.'' [ABSTRACT FROM AUTHOR]

My husband and son took a New York-to-Milwaukee flight that was supposed to leave Friday at 11:29 a.m. The flight boarded after 4 and didn't leave the gate until 4:40, and a half-hour later the pilot announced it would be another hour until takeoff. At that point a devout Jewish family, worried about violating the Sabbath, asked to get off. Going back to the gate cost the plane its place in line for takeoff, and the flight was eventually canceled. Was the airline right to grant that request? M. W.,NORWALK, CONN. Situations like that can bring out the worst in people. But despite the seething resentment of a plane full of people -- and despite, no doubt, his own carry-on valise full of hassles -- the pilot tried to do the right thing. He went out of his way to accommodate one family's urgent need. [ABSTRACT FROM AUTHOR]

I bought a house that a previous owner had nearly destroyed. He knocked holes in walls and doors, trucked away the deck and trashed the aboveground pool, etc. I assumed he was angry at his wife, but it turned out that he was angry at the bank, which had foreclosed, taking everything the couple had put into the property. When a mutual friend invited the former owners to visit, the wife wept and said she could never bear to see our improvements on a house that had been ''stolen.'' I know we didn't steal her home, but I resolved never to buy a foreclosed house again. It seems to be an evil thing to do, to profit from another family's misfortune. Is it? ELIZABETH MURPHY, NORFOLK, VA. Great house, steep discount, vacated under duress. In today's real estate listings, that pitch sounds like an opportunity, but in other circumstances -- a war zone, say -- it might suggest an outrage. So you are right to care how a house came to market. Still, your fears are unnecessary. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

Many state lotteries (some of which have hired me as a consultant) continue to sell scratch-off lottery tickets regardless of whether the winning tickets have already been claimed. Some states print a disclaimer stating that some prizes may not be available sometime after the tickets have been issued. But even so, is a state within its ethical purview to continue selling those tickets on the false premise that a $1 million payout is attainable? STANLEY I. COHEN, GLEN ROCK, N.J. Charging money for something that's not really worth anything sounds so obviously unethical that there's almost nothing to discuss. But in a lottery, it's the premise of the game: a few of those scratch-off tickets are worth big money, the rest are just pieces of cardboard, and there's no way to sort it out until you purchase them. You do so knowing that the winning stub is likely to turn up in someone else's hands. There is no guarantee, nor any reason to assume, that it has not already done so. [ABSTRACT FROM AUTHOR]

Recently, I was at an outdoor concert where I sat next to a woman who was wearing a halter top. I could clearly see that she had two growths on her back that looked like ones that I had had removed because they were basal-cell carcinomas. I am not a doctor, but I felt conflicted about whether or not I should have said something to alert her. She left, and I felt guilty about not having mentioned it to her. Did I have an obligation to do so? JERI Y. GREENBERG, WASHINGTON, D.C. A long, hot summer yields many things: bumper crops of sticky kids, a renaissance of frozen confections and this question, again and again. Many readers have sent in one variation or another, which says as much about the shrinking dimensions of women's clothing as it does about the growing awareness of skin cancers. But most of all it says something about the uncertain distance that separates us from strangers. [ABSTRACT FROM AUTHOR]

I didn't find out for years, but I fathered a child with a woman in my neighborhood who was, and still is, married to another man. The girl does not know about any of this. Neither does the husband. At the mother's request, I have had nothing to do with the girl, though I offered to tutor her. Does she have a right to know her true parentage upon reaching adulthood? Sooner? Over the objection of the mother? Only when the husband dies? Who can make these decisions and when? NAME WITHHELD, NEW YORK That is a complex problem, but it hardly begins with the questions you pose. The full picture starts way back with your sexual encounter and the deception it entailed, the circumstances that led to the pregnancy, the absence of a solid agreement about your role (or lack of one) in the girl's life, the choice to let the husband think the child was his and so on. Telling the girl, or not, is merely one step on a long and fairly muddy road. [ABSTRACT FROM AUTHOR]

I rented my bedroom out through a Web-based vacation-rental service. It became apparent that the guest and I had some sexual chemistry. The first night I slept on my futon in another room. The next day we ''slept'' together -- this was entirely consensual and not solely instigated by me -- in my bedroom. Do I refund her the rental fee and, if so, for one or both nights? NAME WITHHELD, SAN FRANCISCO Congratulations on finding yourself in one thoroughly modern muddle. By helping people open their home to strangers and trade money for the intimacies of domestic life -- some apparently more intimate than others -- these rental services can make for great bargains and great ethics questions. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

I believe that my name is on a Transportation Security Administration watch list. Often when I fly, the letters ''SSSS'' on my boarding pass alert gate agents to pull me aside for extra screening. But on a recent trip, a T.S.A. employee failed to notice the ''SSSS.'' I'm fairly certain that I am on the T.S.A. list because of my animal rights activism. I am not a threat to civil aviation. I was happy to avoid yet another bothersome search, but should I have spoken up? I wouldn't want the guy to miss an actual threat. NICK A., FLORIDA Despite posing no danger to air safety, you feel you are treated like a potential shoe-bomber, singled out for even more hassles than the average flier. Yet your concern is not how to escape this surveillance but how to increase it. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

A person in our company recently committed suicide. Of course, it was shocking. But now colleagues are recalling harsh words that were exchanged between the employee and a supervisor, and they are blaming management. What the colleagues don't know is that the employee's work had been subpar for years and that much of it had to be redone (by management). Setting the record straight would help people make sense of what happened. It may seem unkind, but would it be unethical? NAME WITHHELD Actually, it seems very kind -- or at least the impulse behind it does. You are trying to help your colleagues as they struggle through their grief. But this is the wrong way to do it. [ABSTRACT FROM AUTHOR]

Have a strong opinion? Discuss this letter with the Ethicist at nytimes.com/6thfloor on Tuesday, Aug. 2, between 1 and 5 p.m., E.S.T. Over the weekend, my husband and I left our dog with a friend. Our friend got distracted while walking the dog, and she ran across the street and attacked a small dog. We feel the dog's veterinary bills ($700) are our responsibility, not that of the other dog's owners, but should our friend contribute as well? She knew how aggressive our dog could be, but she chose not to use her harness. Our friend did apologize but did not offer to contribute to the cost. NAME WITHHELD, ILLINOIS [ABSTRACT FROM AUTHOR]

I've been called for jury duty, and I'm shocked by the lies that other prospective jurors tell to get themselves disqualified. I know that's not fair; everyone deserves his day in court. But it's not fair to me that because of their lies I'm more likely to suffer the inconvenience of a long trial. May I tell the lawyers things about myself that are perfectly true but which I'm mentioning only to get out of the jury box and back to my job? DAVID S., NEW YORK In jury selection, almost everyone's working an angle. Lawyers might be trying to psych each other out; judges, to inspire the jury pool; and prospective jurors, either to get picked or get passed over, depending on how understanding their bosses are, how colicky their babies are or how many reruns of ''Law & Order'' they've seen. [ABSTRACT FROM AUTHOR]

A woman I was sleeping with, in an explicitly nonexclusive, ''don't ask, don't tell'' relationship, found a pimple and panicked that she had a sexually transmitted disease. I encouraged her to let a doctor assuage her fears, which he did the next morning, but first she insisted I tell her if I'd slept with anyone else. I had. (Safe sex.) But I worried a ''yes'' might end the relationship; saying nothing would have been the same as saying yes. So I lied. Was I ethically obligated to respond honestly? NAME WITHHELD, NEW YORK You slept around. You lied about it. Did you behave ethically? It's possible. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

Unable to have biological children, my husband and I went to an adoption agency and were matched with a pregnant woman. She says she signed up because she and her husband can't afford another child. Adoption will cost around $25,000, of which $8,000 goes to her. My conscience keeps asking me why I don't just give the $25,000 to the birth mother and let her take care of her own child. My rational mind says this was her choice, and we need each other equally. What do you say? NAME WITHHELD, CHARLOTTE, N.C. I say that's some conscience you've got there. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

I work with a dozen others in a city office building. One colleague says that she has an autoimmune disease. She says that we must keep the windows in our small office closed at all times; if we open them, she becomes ill. With no ventilation, the temperature reaches the high 70s. Our boss has offered her a separate room, but she refuses to move from our shared space. What is the right thing to do? We are all miserable, and productivity is at an all-time low. B.S., NEW YORK What's harder than balancing the needs of one against the needs of the many? Doing it during the heat of summer, in an unventilated room. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

I am the chief financial officer for a financial-services company, and I found our bookkeeper using the corporate charge card for her personal use. The misappropriation was approximately $47,000 over a six-month period. She forged a partner's signature to acquire a card in her name. We fired her, and she paid back the funds in exchange for our not pressing charges. But I cannot get closure if she is not punished for this egregious betrayal. I recommended that we call her husband, as I think family humiliation would be punishment enough. Would this be ethical? NAME WITHHELD,NEW YORK Vengeance is mine, sayeth the C.F.O. [ABSTRACT FROM AUTHOR]

A few months ago, I signed up to be a living kidney donor to help someone in need who was not related to me. Recently I was told that I was a match for a local 16-year-old. But if I were to enroll in the national kidney registry, my donation could facilitate a donor chain, potentially benefiting 5 or 10 patients. Should I help one person now or several people in the future? It's hard to say no to a child, yet does the good of the many outweigh the good of the one in this case? BALA AMBATI, SALT LAKE CITY For those unfamiliar with the term, a bit about donor chains. Imagine your sister needs a kidney transplant; you wish to help her, but tests reveal that you are not a good biological match. Elsewhere, another pair of siblings -- or friends, or neighbors -- has a similar problem: one needs a kidney, and the other would like to donate but isn't a good fit. In a donor chain, pairs like this can be linked up in a series. You could give your organ to a stranger, but in the process position your loved one to get a new kidney from some other person along the chain, as soon as a suitable donor is found. [ABSTRACT FROM AUTHOR]

I have a chronic medical condition, which is being treated with injections every other week. The drug has a potentially deadly side effect that can occur without warning, after years of symptom-free doses and days after an injection. The treatment for this side effect is epinephrine, which I carry with me as a precaution. My doctor recently announced that after each injection, I must wait 30 minutes before leaving the clinic. There is no reason I would be able to use an Epi-pen after 30 minutes but not before, but he says, ''These are new guidelines from the manufacturer, and I won't allow you to be dosed unless you agree to comply with them, here and now.'' Is this a textbook example of coercion? Thinking that term might be hyperbole, I looked up various definitions, many of which apply. P. C., NORWELL, MASS. By managing your illness over the years, you have shown that you are able to take care of yourself and attend to all necessary precautions. Now your doctor announces that's not enough, that he needs to monitor you like a watchful parent. In your situation, who wouldn't be outraged? [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

Until recently, I worked for a small nonprofit that, among other things, runs an international leadership program for high school students. While working for its president, I had access to his contact list, which included many sex-for-hire people. (Mostly transvestites.) What people do on their own time is their business, but I feel that the parents of these students would want to know this about a man who will be escorting their children overseas for a week. I know I would. Do you agree? A. K.,NEW JERSEY I bet you're right: the parents probably would want to know. Chaperoning kids is a scary business, and they might be glad for any information they can get about the chaperon -- including his credit rating, his blood type and how often he calls his mother. But those things don't indicate how responsibly he would do his job, and they are therefore his business alone. The people he chooses to have sex with fall under the same category: not dependent on parental approval, regardless of how well they would or would not fit in at Thanksgiving dinner. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

My daughter-in-law's parents ''forgot'' to make payments on the $17,000 loan they took out for her college 14 years ago, when she was 19. Now they owe $40,000, and their tax refunds and Social Security are being garnished. Her parents are of limited means. My son is not, but he and my daughter-in-law believe that this is a problem of her parents' own making (through mismanagement of money, gambling and not working as much as they could) and the debt is their responsibility. What do you think? J.G., BOCA RATON, FLA. One detail makes that story particularly poignant: this couple's financial troubles can be traced back, however indirectly, to the sacrifice they made for their daughter's education. But though that detail is emotionally resonant, it's not necessarily relevant. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

I am an H.I.V.-positive man who, thanks to antiretroviral therapy, has had an undetectable viral load for the past three years. I have no sexually transmitted infections. Though I always practice safe sex, I feel an obligation to disclose my status to any potential partner well before engaging in any sexual contact. My doctors disagree, citing evidence that people in my condition are sexually noninfectious. Others make a buyer-beware type of argument. Am I right, or are they? NAME WITHHELD, ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, N.J. If the disease for which your doctors felt you were no longer contagious was, say, tuberculosis, I doubt you would feel the same need for disclosure. But H.I.V. is a special case, in part because of the disproportionate hold it has on many people's fears, and in part because of the uniquely vulnerable circumstance during which it can be transmitted. All of which can complicate the surrounding ethical issues. [ABSTRACT FROM AUTHOR]

When my family rents a car, the rental company sends someone to pick us up. The driver they send has sleep apnea (as do I), and he is not getting any treatment. I haven't seen him drive dangerously, but drivers with sleep apnea are as much as five times more likely to be involved in car accidents. I doubt I can persuade him to get treatment. I am also uncomfortable tattling on him to his employer. What should I do? A. G., MASSACHUSETTS If someone makes you feel unsafe, don't get in a car with him. That should settle your nerves. But what would calling the guy's boss settle? [ABSTRACT FROM AUTHOR]

My supermarket has a card that must be swiped to get the ''on sale'' price on many items. I know that the supermarket is amassing and perhaps even selling information that I would rather it not have. What if, for example, my insurance company raises my rates because I buy butter? I have an idea of swapping cards among others at my church who share my values about Big Brother. That way we can enjoy the discounts while preserving something of our privacy. What is my ethical obligation? PAUL DAVID WADLER, PH.D. CHICAGO Everyone has cause these days to worry about digital surveillance. Given how much of it goes on without our knowledge, striking a blow for privacy can feel great. Three cheers for telling the world only as much as you care to. [ABSTRACT FROM AUTHOR]

My husband is a registered sex offender. His sex crime was more than two decades ago and involved an adult woman. He is not a pedophile, and he is not on parole or probation. When people find out, however, we are often harshly condemned. If our children have play dates in our home, I believe we should tell the parents about my husband's past. I feel that they should learn from us, and not from the Internet or gossipy neighbors. He disagrees. NAME WITHHELD, OHIO [ABSTRACT FROM AUTHOR]

My sister recently seized my 82-year-old father's assets under her decade-old power of attorney, after he became engaged to a 63-year-old woman with a history of unpaid bills and an affinity for Atlantic City slots. He was running around with multiple testosterone patches in anticipation of his nuptials to this gal, who refused to meet with us after we traveled cross-country. Now he says he promises not to marry her, and we feel terrible for humiliating him. Should we give him back control of his money or would that be setting him up to be fleeced? NAME WITHHELD, CALIFORNIA Yes, giving him back his money might be setting him up to be fleeced. That does not, alas, mean you get to hold onto it. You say you're worried about your father's solvency, but you sound equally concerned about his priapic glee (unseemly, to be sure) and his unfriendly girlfriend (a charmer, no doubt). And maybe you are concerned about your inheritance. [ABSTRACT FROM AUTHOR]

I'm a 24-year-old freelance journalist who's still somewhat dependent on my parents. And I'm on nytimes.com dozens of times a day. My parents are print subscribers and thus have access beyond the pay wall. Need I buy my own subscription? Also, if I buy online access, can I share the password with my live-in girlfriend, even if I move to New York for the summer? What about our other housemates? KEVIN CHARLES REDMON, MINNEAPOLIS Since The Times implemented its new payment structure for Web and mobile access, I've gotten a lot of letters like this one. They all come from New York Times loyalists, who say that quality journalism is worth paying for. And they all frame the question of how much (or whether) to pay as an explicitly ethical matter. I find both those points surprising. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

Recently a car backed into my parked car and drove off, leaving my bumper damaged. I was able to track down the culprit thanks to a surveillance camera, and he agreed to compensate me for the cost of the bumper at the lowest estimate I got, which was $576. He provided me with a check for that amount. The mechanic later said that he could probably bang the dent out and repaint it, making it look ''almost'' new, for just $100. My wife says that I have an obligation to return the balance of $476 to the offending driver. I'm not sure. What says the Ethicist? ARI WALISEVER, WHITE PLAINS, N.Y. The guy sounds like a jerk, and you might have told him to give you $576 just for ruining your day. If you had tried that, and he agreed, you could have used the money for whatever you wanted, even if you had been planning to junk your car later that afternoon and give up driving forever. But that's not what happened: you got him to agree, specifically, to cover the very precise cost of auto-body work -- repairs, not reparations. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

Recently my supervisor suspended me for two days without pay. I filed a grievance with my union, but the local representative failed to file a document necessary to the grievance procedure, and I have missed my chance of being reimbursed by my employer. The union rep has offered to use his own money to compensate me. I'm not comfortable with the idea of taking this man's money, but on the other hand, I did expect him to follow through on my grievance, and I no longer have a chance of getting the money back from my employer. Please advise. NAME WITHHELD, CHICAGO The union won the right to represent you after persuading your fellow workers that it could do a better job for you as a group than you could do for yourselves as individuals. Now someone is out two days' pay. Should it be you, who did as the union encouraged you to do, by turning to it for help with a grievance? Or its representative, who admits he mishandled your case? [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

I work for a large corporation that has a foundation that matches qualifying charitable contributions dollar for dollar, up to $50,000 a year. Would it be ethical for me to consolidate the contributions of friends, neighbors and family members and submit that bigger donation to, say, the American Red Cross with the view of getting the doubling effect on the their donation? BRUCE PELLEGRINO, FAR HILLS, N.J. Your company's charitable offer should be met with an equal charitability of spirit. Taking donations that other people made and passing them off as your own would clearly not meet that standard. Unless your friends, neighbors and family members already wrote their checks and tore them from their checkbooks, however, they haven't actually made donations. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

My mother died at 92, several weeks ago. Saturday's mail included a gift intended for her from an old friend whom she worked for 25 years ago. I had not notified the friend of my mother's death because I didn't have his contact information until the gift arrived bearing his return address. I have since written a short letter telling him about my mother's death. Here's the question: should I also send the gift back to him? DAVID BOMSE, SANTA FE, N.M. Had the mail brought a check from that former employer for work your mother once did, it could have gone right to her estate, and perhaps from there on to you. But a gift is something different: a gesture from one person to another. [ABSTRACT FROM AUTHOR]

I asked a former professor to write me a recommendation for law school. It was particularly important to me that this professor write the letter, as my top-choice law school specifically asks for a letter from a former professor, and she is the teacher who knew me best. She said she was too busy, but if I would write it, she would gladly ''edit as needed'' and submit it under her own name. I felt uncomfortable writing my own letter, but I did not wish to jeopardize my chances of being accepted into my top-choice school by being overly conscientious. May I do so? I.N., NEW YORK Sure you may. If the professor had asked you to come discuss your strengths, would that trouble you? What if she asked you to discuss them -- and then leave your notes with her? What if she asked you to just e-mail her some notes? In effect that's what she has done. [ABSTRACT FROM AUTHOR]

I work at a wholesale distributor. One of our good customers from India asked if the holy man from his temple could stop by to bless our place of business. We accepted his offer. He then added this caveat: The holy man would prefer that no woman enter that area of the building during the ceremony. Some women on our staff were insulted by our willingness to abide by this restriction. The holy man ended up canceling, but we are still left with some bitterness. Should I have been more considerate? NAME WITHHELD, CONNECTICUT By asking those women to leave the premises and excluding them from the blessings, you in effect told them that you place a greater value on the comfort of some random visitor or on the business of a loyal customer -- or perhaps on some religious beliefs that aren't even your own -- than you do on the feelings of the people who work for you every day. I can appreciate that you meant no offense, but you did cross a line. Consider this, then, an opportunity to learn more about your employees' feelings, not from me but from them. [ABSTRACT FROM AUTHOR]