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IT'S Not Fair is one of the first things children learn to say. We either explain patiently to them our efforts to make things more fair, or snap and tell them life isn't fair and they may as well get used to it. It does seem a bit unfair, though, that when Gordon Brown has been working on 'fairness' as his big theme to relaunch himself in the autumn, someone should come along and nick it. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

THE world really is going to the dogs! If I can't civilly commit myself to another woman in Islington, of all places, then where on earth can I? Well I could, actually, presuming I meet the right woman and the right registrar. Such people do exist. Though Lillian Ladele isn't one of them. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

I DON'T carry an organ donor card even though I am happy to donate my organs. WE ARE desperate for heroes, aren't we? 'ARE we losing children to television?' was a question that was earnestly asked last week. IF YOU gave me a fiver I could tell you that on the whole, people prefer long legs to stumpy ones. YOU might think Kate Moss was in her mid-70s the way her 34th birthday party was covered. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

The article offers information on tax auction of Ganienkeh property in Clinton county. It states that the auction would begin at 9 a.m., on November 30, 2012 with 11 auction lots up for bid. It mentions that there is 1,745 plus acres of land, located in Altona and the northern Adirondack Central School District. It mentions that preview information states that inspection of the properties is available as drive by only.

IT says everything, surely, that women who choose to be single and independent should be dubbed 'freemales' in reports about their increasing numbers. THE idea that the single woman is destined to lonely old age no longer holds sway. WE DRINK too much. BARACK Obama's announcement about the closure of Guantanamo Bay was expected and welcome, though I see, astonishingly, there are still some prepared to defend the prison. I AM no prude but clearly nor am I French. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

LESS THAN a month ago I stood gazing at Gaza with no idea it would soon be in flames. How small it seemed, this densely populated little strip of land. Airships patrolled above and we were told of the 650 tunnels into Egypt through which everything, including cattle, is smuggled. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

IT IS distinctly odd that it has taken global recession to put a spring in Gordon Brown's step, don't you think? He is reported to be far more relaxed than usual as he jets around the word offering his 'fiscal stimulus package' to all those in need of his specialised form of stimulation. But it is even more odd that when we are officially going into recession with huge job losses, his opposite number George Osborne is flailing. Sure, if you are going to be one of three men on a boat, it's better if the other two are not Peter Mandelson and a dodgy Russian oligarch. But it's not just that. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

I REALLY am not the kind of person who wants to live in fear. THERE is simply no excuse for letting Kerry Katona on This Morning. THE facts of life, it seems, are largely opinions that some think are best kept secret. A DISTINGUISHED local author, the great Iain Sinclair, was to launch his new book Hackney, That Red Rose Empire in our local library. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

OBVIOUSLY, a lot of people don't know exactly what is going on with the economy right now. Thankfully I am now an expert. Well, as hardly anyone knows anything, I might as well be… 1. WHAT TO SAY: BASICALLY you must simply repeat the thing that the last person who appeared to know anything at all said to you. If, for instance, they said things are not as bad as they might seem, promote this as a considered thesis. If they say it will be even worse than the Great Depression, look glum as you explain this over the canapes. Whatever view you take, try to present it with conviction while subtly indicating you have some sort of inside information. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

AT LEAST now we know what is meant by a government of all the talents. You can be forced to resign twice, publicly doubt your boss's ability to be the actual boss, be totally unelected and still be parachuted into a Cabinet post. Welcome back Mandy. You came and you gave without takin' and how we have missed you. I mean that, really. Whatever you think of him, Mandelson is a fascinating creature, an emotional man who is both immensely skilled and immensely flawed. He relishes being the beastliest of the big beasts. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

WHEN a national treasure -- and yes, I am well aware that is an over-used phrase -- threatens to hand back her British passport we ought to sit up and take notice. I REALLY struggle to find Kate Middleton interesting, even though she may be a future Queen. THERE is no such thing as a lunchtime facelift, apparently. CAPITALISM hasn't died, it just had got obese and is now on a strict diet. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

YES, INSULATE US ALL… FROM GLOOMY GORDON: MY SCHOOLING wasn't entirely wasted, I realise now, as I can make a fine draught excluder. I did a lovely green corduroy sausage dog and a less successful lizardy creature. And, though we were told the days of boom and bust were gone, draught exclusion is perhaps a booming area. Gordon Brown has revealed his big new idea: loft insulation. Does life get any more exciting? Of course, loft insulation is fabulous - and don't get me going on wall cavities. There is a glitch in that we might not actually have enough laggers to lag all the lofts that need to be done. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

WELL done Katie Price for showing up the pathetic snobbery of the organisers of the Cartier Polo International match. They didn't want her kind, apparently. I mean what class of woman is she? What class was David Miliband representing, I wondered, when I heard him on the radio with his slightly common touch? You don't want to sound posh, obviously, but you don't want to sound an idiot either. Of course this is all quite ridiculous in the era of classlessness. Though Katie Price, aka Jordan, may have made her money through fake breasts and fake tans, there is a fundamental honesty about her that people respond to. Go to her book signings -- books that she freely admits not having read, let alone written -- and you will find queues of women, not men, keen to press the flesh. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

DO TURKEYS vote for Christmas? Do pigs have their snouts permanently in a trough? Do cats really have nine lives? Unless the real ruler of this country, David Attenborough, has made a programme about it, I am unlikely to know. Pigs always seem quite nice to me. Especially in a bacon sandwich. But politicians, to whom they are regularly compared, are a strange kind of beast. They are human (two legs good) after all, but there is something innate about the way they are unable to see the way they appear to others. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

THE window is open. I can hear some man yelling into his phone 'I've got issues' followed by a tirade of abuse. Surely we need a new show, Britain's Got Issues -- but then I remember we already have one in the form of Big Brother. The complaints this year about bullying by Alex De Gale are part of the compulsory controversy the show must generate. But it's not funny or clever any more … just depressing. Mindless anger, however well articulated (and Alex is more articulate than last year's token mad black girl Charley Uchea, memorably described as a cross between a rottweiler and a pole-dancer), soon just becomes dull. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

THEY did not politely hug, they did not do that creepy kissathon that Al and Tipper Gore did. Instead, when Barack Obama won the Democratic nomination, he and his wife Michelle made fists, looked each other in the eyes and bumped knuckles. They 'dapped'. This was a gesture of partnership and pride and, for those who understood it, inherent coolness. That some Americans saw it as a black power salute is a sure sign of how far Obama still has to go. There are those who can get over Obama's colour but can't get over his wife's. She is a tall, proud, black woman who makes no apologies. She works out like 'a gladiator', has fantastic style and has Jill Scott and Lauryn Hill on her iPod. She is the one seen to be 'keeping it real'. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

DO YOU remember, long ago, when we kept hearing how dreadfully Charles was behaving towards Diana? UP and down the land countless teens are no longer rolling spliffs -- because reclassification means cannabis is now a much harder drug than it was. IT'S not often I feel sorry for Bob Geldof, a man who knows everything about everything. A COUPLE of weeks ago I wrote about a bar, Satchmo's, near me that was applying for a licence for lap-dancing. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

IT IS no longer true that you can never be too rich or too thin. Modern culture now demands that you can never be too unhappy. DAVID MILIBAND admitted in his thoughtful speech about 'promoting democracy' around the world that mistakes had been made in Iraq and Afghanistan. GORDON BROWN is said to have discovered the X Factor -- and sees it as a model to unlock all our hidden talents. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

MY 'perception' is that crime went up last week as my 'perception' told me we had been burgled while we were asleep the other night. YOU don't need to read the review of maternity care to know that having a baby in too many hospitals in this country is an appalling experience. SEX with footballers is just so glamorous, isn't it? In between raping and roasting, they are real lover men. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

TO SEE ourselves as others see us? London is now the capital of cool. Cooler than New York, or so the style magazines-crow. It is an economic powerhouse with a buzz like no other. This is how Der Spiegel, the German news magazine, describes one aspect of London life: 'They're young. They sell drugs. They carry weapons. And murder each other. Four shootings in South London have Britain in a state of deep worry over its urban youth.' After Gordon Brown said the shooting dead of 11-year-old Rhys Jones had 'shocked the country', Larry Miller of the American CBS reported: 'Shocked? Not really, because it's become too commonplace.' Since I wrote in November about the murder in North London of Etem Celebi, a friend of my daughter, another local 16-year-old has been stabbed to death in a gang brawl. An 18-year-old known as Black H is also dead. Two boys were stabbed at a bus stop in the afternoon in a busy Islington street. One, only 16, is dead. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

Psychologists have told us -- amazingly -- that nine out of ten New Year's resolutions fail. Resolution is very much what I and my Government are about. You will see from my record that when I resolve to do something, however tough and even though no one else knows exactly what it is, I do it. We are so like gonna be the totally best role models for young girls, right? [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

IN THE midst of a bizarre ritual this week involving young adults and their elders dressed in medieval garb, I found myself strangely moved. PHEW! Last year it was all goose fat for roast potatoes because Nigella said so. MICHAEL WINNER may be loopy-lou but has he lost it completely? ALL political careers end in failure. Except Vince Cable's. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

A NNE DARWIN is on medication for high blood pressure. RHYDIAN, who should win The X Factor, may make Graham Norton look like Daniel Craig, but says he is not gay and is a celibate Christian to boot. NO ONE has a sensible answer as to why we must imprison terrorist suspects for 42 days. THERE is news of a consumer slowdown, apparently, which may come as a shock to those of us already harassed by the idea of buying lots of stuff no one needs. THIS week the UK has been Dollied. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

THE war gets ever closer. Not the war on terror; war on an abstract noun was never going to work. I mean the insane war that some teenagers are having on the streets of our cities. In London alone, 23 teenagers have been shot or stabbed to death this year; the most recent died last week in his parents' arms after being gunned down not far from where I live. Perhaps it doesn't mean much to you. Maybe when you hear of a horrible crime, you check the area and breathe a sigh of relief that it's a long way from where you live. In every sense. I know I do. It's hardly rational, but we all map our worlds into good places and bad places. Streets where things happen or don't. Anyway, I live near a nice gentrified High Street that is full of shops selling overpriced baby clothes. We have a farmers' market on a Saturday where you can buy any kind of posh sausage you like. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

HE adoption of an American baby by our Foreign Secretary David Miliband and his partner has once again raised the issue of adoption in this country. WHAT does an 'honest debate about immigration' really mean? MY FAVOURITE hangover cure is a bacon sandwich. ALESHA DIXON has fantastic legs but says: 'I'm sorry there are more women with cellulite than without it. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

IT'S not often you hear yourself saying, as I did the other week: 'I can't go out tonight. I've got the Society for Neutering Islington's Pussies coming to inspect me.' Before you say anything rude, no, I don't live in Islington. But yes, I had contacted this organisation because we wanted to get a kitten. Indeed, I contacted several and SNIP, as it is called, is certainly on the provisional wing of the cat societies that I have encountered. Everyone said that I should get a cat from the RSPCA or some other animal charity. You must not buy them from a shop, a breeder or, God forbid, over the internet. I could see their point. What about those poor Japanese who bought 'poodles' online that turned out not even to be dogs, let alone poodles, but oddly sheared sheep? [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

YOU don't have to tell me I'm a sad fool. I know because I have been sucked into the ludicrous Facebook phenomenon — the online social networking site. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

ONE of the very worst things about having children is not simply that they have to go to school, but you have to go to school, too. Even when they can get there by themselves you still have to go. Parents' evenings, inductions -- events where you are meant to bond with people simply because you all reproduced at the same time. I am a failure at this because I didn't like school, so I often find myself in the back row sniggering while some earnest head teacher reels off a list of achievements of his or her institution. It's childish, I know. But in 17 years of going to parents' evenings, things have got worse, not better. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

IF they can smell the blood, vultures are circling over the emaciated carcass of Amy Winehouse. It is not a pretty sight, nor are headlines saying The Kiss of Death above pictures of her and husband Blake on their 'holiday' in St Lucia. It is no more appetising to hear both sets of the couple's parents discussing publicly how best to cope with their drug-addicted offspring. Once again, the tormented spirits of Sid and Nancy have been dredged up alongside just about every other member of what Kurt Cobain's mother so memorably called 'that stupid club' -- rock stars who die young. THERE is not huge public support for another Great Game and the accompanying idea that the British Army remain in Afghanistan for another 'generation'. One reason is that we do not understand exactly what we are doing there. We understand that we are fighting the Taliban but then we find that the part of the country where British troops are based has produced nearly a third more opium than it did last year. ONCE more the mismanagement of the memorial service for Diana makes you question the sanity, never mind the salaries, of those who advise Prince Charles. Wasn't the concert enough? Wasn't there always going to be a fuss over Camilla? Isn't the official effort to 'own' her doomed always to fail? Even now an extraordinary poll reveals that a quarter of those interviewed believe Diana to be still alive. Harry's simple and moving speech could and should have been made at a small private ceremony. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]

DO YOU want the unvarnished truth? The dull reality of everyday life and everyday death? If so, don't watch TV. Ever. Don't read books because they might be fictionalised. Some of those painful memoirs turn out to be exaggerated. The internet has lots of made-up stuff too -- yes, even the factual bits such as Wikipedia. Unmediated reality is getting harder to get at these days, which is why the current rows over fakery twist in ever more snakey ways. Somewhat belatedly, we seem to have got it into our heads that you cannot trust what you see on TV. The Queen did not have a temper tantrum in a photoshoot, though who would blame her if she did? The final moments of a man dying from Alzheimer's were not his actual final moments. [ABSTRACT FROM PUBLISHER]