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This article presents author's feelings after the death of his son. It is half a year since my son's suicide. Timothy Alan Eysselinck, 40, captain, Ranger, father, hunter, contractor overseeing mine removal in Iraq, Republican, idealist, perfectionist, gun nut, my firstborn, my baby. That it takes many forms, few of them a stark refusal of the facts. My daughter-in-law, a literal halfway round the world, her own voice blank with shock, said, "Tim has shot himself" and I replied, "How badly is he hurt?" I saw him hunting on a game reserve near their home in Namibia. I remember that my first image was of a bullet hole in his foot. I remember that in this image the foot was, absurdly, wearing a sock.