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Women who have lost a partner, brother or son through Aids, a category of women who are reluctant to ask for help following their bereavement, tell of their experiences and emotions. An Irish woman whose son died of Aids feels particularly isolated because Aids is a word that cannot even be mentioned in the Irish Republic. Another woman is having to cope not only with the death of her partner, but with the knowledge that she is HIV positive because of him. A sister of an Aids victim found that even working as a volunteer for an HIV/Aids charity left her totally unprepared for her brother's death.

Sarah Rutter was educated at private school and, at the age of 29, earns more than 30,000 pounds sterling/yr. as an investment consultant whereas her 88-year-old grandmother, Edna Forder, left school at 14 and went into domestic service. In contrast, Shane Armstrong is a joiner whereas his grandfather was a publisher who built up a very successful business. Rutter's mother worked in her husband's camera shop and sometimes regrets that she did not do more with her life, whereas Armstrong's father derives great satisfaction from his job as a welder.

London Lighthouse, once the world's largest HIV and Aids centre, is fighting for survival. Stuart McQuade, who took over as chief executive in Feb. 1999, argues that his predecessors lost sight of the needs of people with HIV. McQuade, who is gay and HIV positive, is attempting to transform Lighthouse into an organisation that is about living rather than about dying. He explains that the success of combination therapies removed the need for Lighthouse's 21-bed residential unit. The number of people using Lighthouse's services has started to rise but closure remains a possibility.

Many of the increasing number of couples who are getting divorced in their fifties after decades of marriage comfort themselves with the knowledge that their children will be less traumatised by the split-up because they are now adults. However Lisa Coombe, whose 65-year-old father told his four children in Dec. 1998 that he was leaving their mother for another woman, totally rejects the idea that divorce is less traumatic for adult children. Anger, bitterness and sorrow abounds in the discussion area of a website created by the adult daughter of recently divorced parents.

A mother tells of the rude awakening she experienced when her three children were criticised as badly behaved and noisy by her husband's voluntarily childless best friend and his girlfriend. All but one of the mother's childless friends admitted that her children were noisy, leading her to the conclusion that she should keep her children away from her childless friends unless specifically asked not to do so.

Exclusions from primary schools that have adopted the model of The Place To Be, an innovative charity which offers psychotherapy to primary-age children on school premises, have fallen to zero. The Place To Be offers a service for anyone who wants to talk as well as specialist therapy for needy children on a one-to-one basis. Keith D'Cruz, head of St Bernadette's, one of the 11 schools in south London, England, where The Place To Be is already established, explains that the school has become much calmer since the model was introduced and problem pupils have been successfully integrated.

Ondrej Cerny explains that the Czech Republic is still very much a male society and that his life has followed a different path from that of his twin sister Eliska Cerna because he is a man. Cerna reveals that her ambition to go to college was thwarted by the Communist Regime. Englishman Johnny Benn feels that he and his twin sister Carrie are equal now, while Carrie declares that she never felt limited by her gender. Valmiki Chandrashekhar feels that the only reason his breaks came earlier that those of his twin sister Vani was because he left India in 1990.

A bitter rift between vicar the Reverend Royston Such and his parishioners has shattered the peace of the Hampshire village of Ropley, England. The conflict stems from the breakdown of Such's marriage following the appointment of widow and artist Tana Riviere as his curate in spring 1993. The villagers maintain that Such's refusal to accept fault is responsible for the bitterness in the parish, rather than his divorce. The villagers hold monthly services in the village hall while Such, who married Riviere in Aug. 1995, preaches to a tiny congregation in the village church.

Therapist John Shine explains that men generally find it more difficult than women to work through their feelings following the death of a partner. Tony Loynes believes that it took him almost 12 years to come to terms with the death of his wife, actress and theatre director Sally Miles, in 1986. Bill Meadows, whose wife died suddenly in Nov. 1994, admits that his two children are now his only companions. Widower Tom Campbell explains that having to answer the questions of his daughter, who was 13 months old when her mother died, has put him more in touch with his own feelings.

Clinical psychologist Dr David Nias believes that the human brain is such that people in the grip of passion find it almost impossible to control their emotions. However psychologist Janet Reibstein maintains that each partner in a relationship is in control of whether to move on to the next stage and that people who say that their feeling is bigger than they are are actually choosing not to stop the relationship. One man who destroyed his marriage by pursuing a relationship with someone he knew was not right for him, has come to realise that his passion was something solely to do with him.

The 43,000 or so children who run away from home each year in the UK do so for a variety of reasons ranging from neglect and abuse to resentment at not being allowed to stay out late with friends. Young people reported missing to the National Missing Persons Helpline tend to be running to something rather than away from something and 80% are reunited with their parents within a month. In contrast, the runaways helped by the Children's Society tend to be escaping from great unhappiness and see no prospect of returning home. Therapist Judith Lask points out that running away is a cry for help.

Parents may unconsciously influence their children's health for the worse to a far greater extent than they are prepared to admit. Consultant paediatrician Dr Ian Pollock stresses that the worst thing a parent who believes that their child has a food allergy is to put that child on a restricted diet. Children's behaviour is influenced by environment, history and genetic make-up rather than food. A self-confessed hypochondriac is concerned about turning her five-year-old son into a hypochondriac, while an overweight mother recognises that she has compounded bad food habits in her overweight son.

Elizabeth Perle McKenna, author of the book 'When Work Doesn't Work Anymore' to be published on Oct. 13, 1997, maintains that work is not working for women because it is a world in which the rules are still designed by men. Helen Rees resigned her post as head of public affairs at the National Arts Collections Fund to study for a PhD on art collections, while Annette Murray gave up a prestigious and well-paid job running a promotions department to study for a degree in garden design. Consultant in women's leadership development Nancy Kline argues that the world of work must be made relevant to women's lives.

Jenni Thomas of charity the Child Bereavement Trust stresses the need for supportive adults to keep up a routine for newly-bereaved children. She explains that children must be told of a death lovingly and sensitively using plain and direct words. Thomas strongly recommends that children see the body of a parent who has died in order that they may fully acknowledge that the death has occurred. Deeply distressed adults can rob bereaved children of their opportunity to grieve. Many bereaved children find talking to other bereaved children the most helpful way of trying to come to terms with a death.

Patrick and Jane Gottelier, founders of knitwear design company Artwork, believe that working together for 20 years has strengthened their marriage, but another woman blames the failure of the catering company she ran with her husband for the breakdown of her 11-year-old marriage. Lindsay Cutts is surprised by how successful working with her husband Peter has proved. Catherine Beressi admits that she would miss the work if she gave up her job as editorial director of the editorial packaging office she runs with her husband, and would be jealous if anyone else took over the job.

Irene and Terry Monk believe that their decision not to have children has contributed to the strength and closeness of their relationship since they have not had to dilute their affection for one another. The Monks have been together for 32 years but are adamant that their love has not become stale. Karen and Martin Archer, who have been together for 12 years, are relieved as well as proud of having had just one monogamous relationship in that they have not suffered the anguish and insecurity of moving from one relationship to the next.

Paul and Sharon Mansfield claim that they have been ostracised by their fellow villagers in Austrey, near Tamworth, England, since their 20-month-old daughter Olivia was banned from the local mother and toddler group for biting other children. Sharon explains that she sought the advice of a health visitor the first time Olivia bit another child and was reassured that it was not at all uncommon among toddlers. Paul feels that the mother and toddler group has acted in an unreasonable way, particularly since no-one made any attempt to discuss the problem with them.

Agony aunts have not only lost a veteran counsellor, Marjorie Proops of the Daily Mirror, in the week of Nov. 11, 1996, but some of the more distinguished among them have been accused by William Oddie of promoting a permissive society. Oddie, writing in the Daily Mail, claimed that agony aunts were too mixed up themselves to be of use to anyone. However the Sun's agony aunt Deirdre Sanders argues that she and her 10 assistants provide a resource to people who are too embarrassed to talk to their doctor and feel unable to go to a Citizens Advice Bureau or rely on the confidence of a neighbour.

Jane Grinonneau explains that she was getting dressed one morning when she heard a voice calling her to the ministry. She has no regrets about giving up a comfortable life at the age of 43 to train to become a Baptist minister. Francine Lawrence, aged 43, feels much happier having given up a highly-paid job as a magazine editor to spend time working with street children in Colombia. Brenda, aged 56, explains that she has gained a new lease of life through coming out as a lesbian. Shirley Randall developed a passion for golf after her husband, a golfing enthusiast, left her for another woman.

Lorraine Merson's decision to leave her husband, footballer Paul Merson, after having helped him overcome his drink, drugs and gambling addiction, is but one example of the way in which dramatic and unforeseen changes and pressures can destroy a marriage. Sharon Breem of marriage and partnership research agency One Plus One explains that modern marriage is about couples giving each other equal support. Women who provide their husbands with emotional support during stressful periods but receive none in return become more resilient and gain the strength to turn their back on the marriage.

Writer and theatre director Anna Furse whose 13-month-old daughter was conceived by in vitro fertilisation (IVF), argues that the life and morality of Mandy Allwood, the woman pregnant with eight babies following infertility treatment, is no-one's business but her own. Prison psychologist Sarah Selvey, who is pregnant with triplets following IVF treatment, is sick of reading about IVF, selective abortion and multiple births. She personally feels that Allwood has been incredibly silly but points out that most people have very little idea about what infertility treatment involves.

Josie Taylor and Gail Raymonde both admit that they had not anticipated how lonely they would feel when their divorces came through. However neither regret having left their marriages. Jeanne Wojtkowiak also felt very isolated after separating from her husband. Sorting out financial matters was an extremely stressful experience for Wojtkowiak, and Taylor admits that having no possessions to fight over made divorce considerably easier. Taylor, who was married for 32 years, is very happy with her life as a divorcee and would never contemplate remarrying.

National Stepfamily Assn. Chief Exec. Erica De'Ath reveals that a large number of children are being brought up to believe that their stepfather is actually their father, but it is undoubtedly exceedingly difficult for anyone to love another person's child as much as their own. One woman believes that her inability to love her husband's eight-year-old daughter as much as her own baby daughter was a major factor in the breakdown of her marriage. Adrianus van Heivert and Charlie Darlington both stress the need for stepfathers to work at their relationship with their stepchildren.

Parents who lose a child are often so overcome with grief that they are unable to give their surviving children the attention they need, yet bereaved siblings can suffer long-term problems if they suppress their grief. Dwaine Steffes, a children's counsellor with bereavement care charity Cruse, encourages parents to help surviving children write letters to their deceased brother or sister as a means of getting them to talk out their grief. It is also felt that children should see the body of a sibling and attend the funeral wherever appropriate.

The dangers of parental pressure on children were highlighted on Apr. 23, 1996, when a survey for the charity ChildLine revealed that children as young as seven were contemplating suicide because of worries about school work and exams. Senior education psychologist with Norfolk County Council Chris Nickolls sees nothing wrong in parents having aspirations for their children, but points out the importance of not exerting pressure on them. He stresses that children develop at different rates and recommends that parents consult with their child's teachers.

A deep rift has opened up within Aids charity Body Positive (BP), depriving women with HIV in London, England, of a vital lifeline. The white gay men who account for 96% of users of BP's male service have found it difficult to cohabit with the BP women's group service users, 70% of whom are black and 65% of whom are mothers. The women's group voted to split from BP at the beginning of 1996, since when group co-ordinator Emma Colyer has been suspended for alleged misconduct. Women's group members are hoping for independent funding to enable them to operate separately from BP.

Mother-of-three Jane Seymour is opposed to selection in schools, pointing out that it is very hard for the children who do not succeed. Sue Goff is particularly hostile to selection because both her husband and her brother were badly damaged and undermined by failing the 11 plus. Maureen Robinson recognises that selection is hard for less bright children but argues that there is no reason why pupils should not be selected for schools since people are selected for jobs and promotion. Buzz Cousins freely admits that she is unprincipled and unscrupulous and simply wants the best school for her daughter.

Vanessa Gaier is certain that the strength of her relationship with her partner Martin is partly due to the unconditional love and support he gave her during the birth of their daughter. She explains that she fell in love with Martin when their baby was born. Alison Hahlo's fears that her husband Richard would be put off sex by being present at the birth of their second daughter proved unfounded. However Charlotte Blacker's husband was put off sex for some time by the birth of his second son, even though he left the delivery room before the baby was born because forceps were to be used.

A 26-year-old woman who is HIV positive argues that people will continue to become infected with HIV until the public starts treating the illness in the same way as any other. She explains that she was infected by a boyfriend who knew that he was HIV positive but feared rejection if he told her the truth. The shock of hearing that someone she had trusted had hidden his HIV positive status from her was far greater than the shock of being diagnosed. An East African-born woman living in England explains that she became desperate to have a baby when she was diagnosed HIV positive.

Parents generally find it extremely difficult to accept their children's sexuality but personal development trainer Kathy Kershaw believes that she has a responsibility to provide her 16-year-old daughter with the equipment she will need should she decide to have sex. Kershaw, a single mother, argues that providing teenagers with as much sex education as possible helps give them the confidence to decide on the kind sexual life they want to lead. Exploring Parenthood director Carolyn Douglas stresses the need for parents to acknowledge their own attraction to their children.

Politicians, parents, teachers, mental health experts and counsellors all seem to agree that a growing number of children are becoming unruly and unrepentant but there is disagreement over who is to blame. Disruptive children often have parents who vacillate between lenient and being prescriptive. Sheila Munro of Parent Network argues that there is an urgent need for training for parents. Meanwhile trained therapists and counsellors working with charity The Place To Be are operating in nine London, England, primary schools, helping parents by focusing on the needs of the child.

Worries about what will happen to their children is common among HIV positive mothers, with one mother regarding the knowledge that she might not live to see her four children grow up as the worst thing about being HIV positive. This mother has found life less stressful since leaving her husband who has not been infected. Another mother says that being told that her two-year-old son was HIV positive was the most devastating moment of her life, but finding out that both she and her husband were HIV positive brought some sense of relief. Both mothers have found Body Positive groups and counselling helpful.

A woman reunited with the birth mother who had given her up for adoption was shocked by the powerful feelings of physical attraction she felt towards her brother the very moment she met him in Aug. 1992. The woman fantasised about having an affair with her brother for about two years, and although her brother eventually admitted to having similar feelings, he was not prepared to take things any further. The woman is extremely relieved that her relationship with her brother did not become sexual and believes that she has overcome her yearning by separating herself from him.

Bereavement counsellor Jenni Thomas, who has been working with grieving families at Wycombe General Hospital, England, since 1985, is behind the launch of the Child Bereavement Trust in Oct. 1994. The Trust was established to cater for the needs of professionals as well as of parents following the death of a baby or child, including termination for abnormality, miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal death. Thomas' experience has taught her that grieving parents can only start to manage pain by facing it, and that professionals need to acknowledge the suffering of bereaved parents.

Freelance journalist and mother Marina Cantacuzino has always been interested in clothes, but has never had the time or the money to assemble a really effective wardrobe. Using the service offered by Caroline Thomas, who runs a PR fashion consultancy, she tried some alternative ways of dressing using a selection of items from her own wardrobe. She also sought fashion advice elsewhere, and some consultants gave her a much more formal image.

Sheila Dutch, the first Assn of Skin Camouflage member to use camouflage on Aids victims affected by kaposi's sarcoma, a rare form of skin cancer, believes that camouflage can prolong, as well as enhance life. Camouflaging the marks caused by kaposi's sarcoma has restored some Aids patients' incentive for living. Sufferers from severe cystic acne will try almost anything to rid themselves of the unsightly pustules and scars associated with the disease. Severe cystic acne has a serious effect on sufferers' self-image because people wrongly associate the disease with poor hygiene.

Consultant in women's leadership development Nancy Kline believes that women are just as hungry for influence in the world as men, but that women lack the self-confidence and sense of self-worth needed to win promotion to the top jobs normally occupied by men. Women suffer from the stereotyping of certain jobs as 'women's work' and from their reluctance to make claims under equal pay or sex discrimination legislation. Some women establish their own businesses out of a sense of frustration at the limited opportunities available to them in male-dominated areas such as the legal profession.

Many women, some well qualified, do not want a job and enjoy not having to leave the home. Philosophies vary, some seeing themselves as doing a duty, philanthropically leaving jobs to those people who desperately need one either for financial or for psychological reasons. Others are very badly hit when they lose their job, again both financially and psychologically. Once too much time has been spent unemployed it presents a barrier to becoming employed again. Some whose partners have also become out of work find that being able to spend more time together is the one advantage from such a situation.

Infection of heterosexual UK women with the Aids virus is scarce outside the high risk groups but it is occurring. Since 1984, of the total 19,524 cases of HIV infection reported, 2,468 have been women. Most positive women do not discuss it because they are protecting their families or busy getting on with their lives. Infected women still choose to have babies, there being between a 50% to 75% chance that they will be born uninfected. Women with the infection often restrict their sexual partners to infected men, uninfected men soon ending the relationship if they learn the truth.

Making childbirth quicker and less painful has become a significant issue for both doctors and pregnant women in the UK. Ardana Bioscience is developing a drug designed to speed up labour, but some observers feel that it is inappropriate to do so, causing babies to become shocked and distressed.

It is very difficult to deal with sleep deprivation, according to junior doctor Catherine Bateman, who often has to work extremely long shifts with few opportunities to take a break. She emphasizes that her work has also had a negative impact on her social life. She finds that she forgets her own needs, such as hunger, while working. She believes that a lot of her work is about negotiation, and she has learnt to be polite but firm.

The understaffing and overcrowding of maternity wards in the UK, along with inexperience among doctors and midwives, has led to very high levels of brain damage and death in newborn infants. It has been established that clinical errors are a contributing factor in two-thirds of all deaths in healthy babies. These errors are mainly caused by staff shortages which place excessive responsibility on insufficiently trained staff. It is uncommon for parents who lose a baby at birth or whose baby suffers brain damage to bring a successful medical negligence case, as it is hard to prove that a doctor has not exercised sufficient care.

A study by Dr Tony James and Dr Gill Salmon of 900 pupils aged 11 to 17 in two secondary schools has revealed that bullying by girls is proportionately higher in 1998 than it was in 1995, and that bullies tend to be more depressed than other children. Professor of psychology Peter Smith believes that the reason bullying intervention strategies introduced by schools in recent years have been less effective with girls than with boys is because bullying by girls tends to involve social exclusion and spreading nasty stories which is harder to identify and deal with than physical violence.

The British Medical Association is calling on family doctors to routinely consider whether their female patients could be the victim of domestic violence. Most women who do suffer domestic violence fail to confide in their doctor, but those who do seek help are most likely to turn to their doctor. In the past, doctors have generally tried to overlook signs of domestic violence, feeling that to ask too many questions would jeopardise the doctor-patient relationship.

UK Home Secretary Jack Straw's announcement on Jul. 31, 1997, that the Government is to consider making it a criminal offence to intentionally infect another person with a disease such as Aids has received a mixed reception from people who have been infected with HIV. Carol, a 32-year-old secretary infected with HIV by a lover who deliberately hid his HIV status from her, would welcome such a law. However Andrew, a 26-year-old gay man in a similar situation, is horrified by the idea of prosecuting the man who infected him, pointing out that his lover had acted out of fear of losing him.

Women diagnosed as HIV positive tend to remain hidden behind closed doors, consumed by the fear of having to leave their children behind and too anxious to access the few support services available. Teresa buried the truth about her HIV diagnosis for five years until her husband died of Aids and her 13-year-old daughter was maliciously told of her mother's condition. HIV positive women in Britain do not generally seek help from support groups such as Body & Soul until there is a crisis in their life. Body & Soul, which is being relaunched in Nov. 1996, provides a lifeline to over 200 families.

Lesbians are more open about their identity in the UK and feel less constrained to play stereotyped male or female roles. Lesbians often felt confined in having to choose to play butch or femme roles, and were not able to switch from one to the other, nor diverge from prescriptions as to what the roles should consist of. These roles appear to have disappeared except where gay women tend to be marginalised and feel they need rigid dress codes to recognise each other.

Lesbian couple Kate and Polly from west London, England, say that they are lucky in that most people treat them as equal parents to their two children, both born through donor insemination. Kate's daughter Anna and Polly's son Jack have been brought up as brother and sister and share the same double-barrelled surname. However Kate says that people find it virtually impossible to believe that she and Polly love both children equally. Teachers at the small north London fee-paying school that both children attend treat Kate and Polly as equal parents and will talk to them about either child.