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This essay is written in and as a queer fugue—a series of themes and variations on grief, on loss and remembering, on the constitutive and dispossessing dance of relationality, and on the possibilities of becoming and forgiving. It is an essay about public mourning, queer relationships, being undone by death and language, and about making a case for recognizing unrecognized and unspeakable grief. It is an essay that recognizes the debts we owe to those we’ve lost, celebrates the queer selves and lives we could not do without, and how the words and voices and lives of others who are not acknowledged as fully or equally human are significant and profound.

This essay focuses on intersections of reflexivity as both an orientation to research and a writing practice that brings together the method of autoethnography and the paradigm of queer theory. Taking seriously autoethnography’s and queer theory’s commitments to uncertain, fluid, and becoming subjectivities, multiple forms of knowledge and representations, and research as an agent of change, we write a series of reflexively queer personal texts. These texts ask us—as writers and readers in a community of scholars—to question our desire to name and claim stories and to embrace the gifts and challenges of open texts and the importance of reflexivity as we test the limits of knowledge and certainty.

In this essay, I make two suggestions about personal experience represented in writing. First, I suggest that this experience can be contested when the conditions and the representation of experience are critiqued rather than the experience itself. Second, I suggest that personal experience represented in writing, for example, an autoethnography, can also be “uncontestable” (Scott, 1991, p. 777). An autoethnography is not a disembodied text. A body, a subject, a vulnerable body and subject, is intertwined with and constituted by this text. As such, it becomes difficult to disentangle an autoethnographic representation from its corresponding, constituted-via-this-representation body and subject, thus making a critique of the text a critique of the life.