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You're having a baby. That's it. Game over, man. Life as you know it is done. Go ahead, freak out. Comic Chris Mancini was terrified of his impending fatherhood. But soon after throwing up upon seeing the little blue line, he realized that most expectant dads sometimes feel nervous, depressed, or powerless -- like a new baby is guy-kryptonite. Chris has been there and survived it. He'll talk you off the ledge. Naturally, you have plenty of questions: How many diapers will I really have to change? Will I ever have sex again? When should I mention that new 50-inch LCD television I want? Is it okay to play Grand Theft Auto while I hold my kid? Aren't there robots that can do most of this stuff by now? From fearing the ovulation kit, to leaving your child with a complete stranger when you go back to work, to the best and worst parts of being a parent, to wondering if Dr. Spock really is like Mr. Spock, Pacify Me is full of honest, hilarious, and insightful advice for new dads. Like, if you screw up a little the first time you're alone with the baby, it's not as if she's going to tattle. And babies love the mall. The truth is, the anxiety leading up to your child's birth is way worse than the anxiety of actually having a child. Soon you'll discover that the joy of experiencing life through innocent new eyes more than makes up for having to send your inner teenager to bed before midnight, unless there's something cool on Adult Swim.

Everything you need to know about fatherhood -- but were afraid to ask!.Why are all parenting books directed at mommies? Daddies need help, too. In fact, when you think about it, they may need more help than their naturally maternal mates do. They need guidance, comfort, and validation. They probably also need a good night's sleep, and they definitely need a good laugh. What the Heck Were You Expecting? provides month-by-month counsel for the spit-up covered, the sleep deprived, and the just plain peek-a-booed out, including such subjects as:What your wife might be complaining about (... anything she can think of)What your above-average child may be doing (... paying attention to small objects) What you might be concerned about (... the meaning of life)A couple of things to say to let her know that you're caring, sensitive, and up on the required reading (...'Listen to this one: Statistics show that attendance at work is better among married men with children and spikes even higher among fathers of newborns. Quite a coincidence, huh?') Thomas Hill, registered father and author of the best-selling What to Expect When Your Wife Is Expanding, answers every father's questions about:ESPN as Edu-tainmentHorsy Knee BurnZen and the Art of Spoon-feedingBasics of Crib AssemblyNap Time... and How to Hide It from Your Boss...among other topics.